Self-love is a buzzword these days. But what exactly does self-love mean? And what does it have to do with sex? Well, quite a lot! We are all traumatized when it comes to our bodies and sexuality. Social media, movies, and pornography subtly shape our perception of a perfect body and perfect sexuality. And most often, these two things go hand in hand. We see well-formed, toned bodies of both men and women. He lays on top of her, and within 3 minutes, both have simultaneously climaxed.
But is this reality? Hardly. Few of us have a body that resembles those of women from magazines and catalogs, yet most of us have a sex life. So far, so good. However, our sexual experiences are often marked by these unconscious notions planted in our minds by the media. Take, for example, the orgasm. Most people engage in sex with the goal of achieving an orgasm because the underlying assumption is: Without an orgasm, the sex wasn’t good/satisfying. This assumption is usually directed at our partner rather than ourselves. (And this is where self-love comes into play.)
We want the other person to climax so we receive validation that the sex was good for them. The same applies in reverse for men; if SHE doesn’t climax, he has failed, and his ego is bruised.
Women (and sometimes men) then often resort to “faking orgasms”. The three most common reasons for this are:
- Pressure to climax to not disappoint him
- Boredom
- Physical pain
If I truly love myself, I will neither tolerate boredom nor physical pain during intercourse. I will talk to my partner and ask him to take a break or stop. My sexuality cannot be fulfilling if I constantly cross my own boundaries and cannot articulate my desires and needs.
To me, self-love means literally “loving oneself” – physically. I can only tell my partner what I desire in bed if I know what I like. If I have shed my body shame and have been intimate with myself. Sexuality always starts with the self, not with another.
This is one of the first pieces of advice I give to my clients when the sexuality with their partner has dwindled or is unfulfilling. Become intimate with yourself. Start loving yourself. Find out what pleases you and give it to yourself. Seduce yourself and touch yourself the way you would want your lover to touch you.
When one truly embodies this practice, the energy they radiate changes. Typically, the change in your energy does not go unnoticed by your partner. And the fire of sexuality can be kindled in a completely new way.
Unfortunately, in our younger years, no one teaches us how to explore our sexuality healthily. Through our uptight society, we lose touch with our bodies and our innate sexuality and then try to chase an ideal image that doesn’t actually exist.
As we get older, it’s our responsibility to take charge of our sexual lives and ensure our desires are fulfilled. This requires courage and continuous practice. Being a good lover to oneself takes time. And that’s okay.
Stop trying to please the other at all costs and pretending. Stop comparing yourself with unrealistic images from the media. Start seeing sexuality as an individual space for learning and exploration. Enjoy experimenting and discovering with yourself. Find out what truly brings you to ecstasy and celebrate your own body. Use masturbation as a practice of self-love to treat yourself well. And then: Share your discoveries with your partner.
About the Author:
Caroline Hopp is a psychologist, yoga, and tantra teacher. As an expert in body love, relationships, and sexuality, she supports women of all ages on their journey to a loving relationship with their own body and fulfilling sexuality.
Her new group coaching for women “L(i)ebe deine Sexualität – A Guided Sensual Sister (s)Exchange” starts on June 14 and helps women finally perceive themselves as sexual beings and shed all shame, guilt, & expectations regarding female sexuality.
For more information about her work and individual coaching:
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